Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
- Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
- Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
- Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
- Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
- Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
I like it when interviews are brief. Are we done yet? –Robert De Niro
Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the Shell Station.
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
The joke is said to have emerged from a Columbia lecture in the 1950′s. The Oxford philosopher JL Austin was giving the lecture, and it was Sidney Morgenbesser, sitting in the audience, who waved his arm dismissively, and retorted: “Yeah, yeah.” For more about this influential man see:
The Times, Sidney Morgenbesser: Erudite and influential American linguistic philosopher with the analytical acuity of Spinoza and the blunt wit of Groucho Marx, September 8, 2004
Feeling it was time for a shakeup, a company hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. He’s really going to show everyone he is the right man for the job.
One day, on a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning against a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, “And how much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $300 a week. Why?”
The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, “Here’s 4 weeks pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!”
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did around here?”
With a sheepish grin one of the workers mutters, “Pizza delivery guy from Dominoes.”
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.