Bob got a job as a road line-painter. He paints 5 miles on the first day, 2 miles on the second day and 1 on the third day.
“You get worse and worse every day!” yelled his boss.
“That is because every day the bucket gets further and further away.” said Bob.
Wednesday Wink 29 September 2010
Wednesday Wink 28 July 2010
Two prime ministers are sitting in a room discussing affairs of state. Suddenly a man bursts in, apoplectic with fury, shouting and stamping and banging his fist on the desk. The resident prime minister admonishes him: “Peter,” he says, “kindly remember Rule Number 6,” whereupon Peter is instantly restored to complete calm, apologizes, and withdraws. The politicians return to their conversation, only to be interupted yet again twenty minutes later by an hysterical woman gesticulating wildly, her hair flying. Again the intruder is greeted with the words: “Marie, please remember Rule Number 6.” Complete calm descends once more, and she too withdraws with a bow and an apology. When the scene is repeated for a third time, the visiting prime minister addresses his colleague:
“My dear friend, I’ve seen many things in my life, but never anything as remarkable as this. Would you be willing to share with me the secret of Rule Number 6?”
“Very simple,” replies the resident prime minister. “Rule Number 6 is ‘Don’t take yourself so damn seriously.’” “Ah,” says his visitor, “that is a fine rule.” After a moment of pondering, he inquires,
“And what, may I ask, are the other rules?”
“There aren’t any.”
Margo McClimans
Wednesday Wink 7 July 2010 Sherlock Holmes and Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
- Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
- Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
- Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
- Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
- Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
Wednesday Wink 9 June 2010
Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the Shell Station.
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
Wednesday Wink 2 June 2010
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”
Wednesday Wink 26 May 2010
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
Wednesday Wink
Feeling it was time for a shakeup, a company hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. He’s really going to show everyone he is the right man for the job.
One day, on a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning against a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, “And how much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $300 a week. Why?”
The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, “Here’s 4 weeks pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!”
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did around here?”
With a sheepish grin one of the workers mutters, “Pizza delivery guy from Dominoes.”
Wednesday Wink
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Wednesday Wink
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don’t know, it all happened so fast.”
Wednesday Wink 7 April 2010
photo by Peter Griffin
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
The dog replied, “But that would make no sense at all!”
